Saturday, March 24, 2007

Performa

This posting is not for the faint-hearted, so anyone of a queasy nature, look away now. My neighbour has been living a lie. In order for her to have her partner of several years staying in her room when he visits – they live together in Boston – she told RUHSA that they were married. Not knowing who was friend and who was foe initially she told every one the same lie. For six weeks she maintained this fa├žade as we became friends, until one day she could bear it no longer and, with an anguished face, suddenly blurted out to me that her marriage was a farce.
Concerned, I thought she was intimating her husband was actually gay, or referring to the fact that he could only perform if she dressed up as a Buddhist nun with fishnets or some other fetish which made her outwardly normal life a falsehood.
"Oh no," I said, "what’s up?" Still with a look of complete distress, she went on.
"We not married. I lied so we could stay together." Practically in tears, she said, "I don’t even believe in marriage." I burst out laughing, it was all too much.
"You know, I don’t really care whether you are married or not, I don’t feel betrayed that you lied to me. This is not a big deal."

However, she was right to look anxious, because in India, land of Karmic destiny, no action goes unpunished. In order to reap the benefits of having lied about their marital status, she told me, they bought some home-crafted Indian condoms, called Performa, with, or so she believed, a reliable Durex label on. Stamped across the packet in bold letters, was the legend "For Sale in India Only". She foolishly ignored this and bought them anyway. They boasted that they would prolong sexual intercourse and ensure the "Lady’s" complete satisfaction, with the use of a "special" lubricant. Bonus, she thought.

The next time her "husband" came to stay they were all set. It all started out fine and sure enough, it did seem to last a bit longer. Unfortunately, he didn’t notice anything was wrong until he took the condom off.
Lying there afterwards, having a metaphorical fag, he started getting distressed. "It feel’s weird, what’s going on, it doesn’t feel normal."
"What do you mean," she asked, concerned.
"I can’t feel it properly, it feels really peculiar."

They looked closely at the packet. In tiny, tiny letters they found the reason for his feeling so odd. The "special" lubricant contained in the condoms was a local anaesthetic. He had a totally numb dick. He felt a totally numb dick. Only in India would they think that being able to go all night without feeling anything is an improvement in sexual enjoyment. Obviously, here, it’s not what you feel that counts, it’s how long you last. As if that wasn’t enough, it didn’t wear off for hours, causing more humiliation later. During the night, not being able to feel anything, he failed to notice that he had peed himself. She woke up to another anguished cry. There’s no doubt in my mind that Karma has a cruel and unusual sense of humour.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

are you going to bring some home with you for the lodgers dave thinks this was very funny

Anonymous said...

I'd write a "stiff" letter to the manufacturer...

Anonymous said...

Where can you buy these joyous devices for the boyfriends who cheat?